How To Do Your Own Budget

Not for nothing did the Bard say Beware the Ides of March. History does not tell us whether Shakespeare flunked in economics, but it is not difficult to surmise that, like all normal folks like you and me, he really dreaded the Budget. The Chinese torture, it is widely believed, was devised exclusively for the economists who tried to make sense of, of all the silly things you can think of, taxes and more taxes.

And so it was that wherever you went, the Budget followed you. In the office, at the coffee shop, at the barber’s, shopping malls, in your drawing room, and last, but not in the least, the sickening TV channels. Whichever way you turned, you saw figures and more figures, with all kinds of people figuring out these infernal sums, as if they were born with stats in their mouths, and formulas in their pockets.

If you are budget-challenged, don’t worry. Basically, it’s a numbers’ game, not rocket science. Let’s call this a Do-It-Yourself Budget. The beauty of it is, you can do your own budget, and then parade it before the experts just like it was the original budget! No one can see through this facade, because NO ONE knows what anyone is talking about anyway when it comes to budgetary facts, budgetary figures, budgetary provisions, budgetary deficits, and budgetary what nots. No one can dispute or deny whatever you say! You can always say it is all in the budget (who is to say there isn’t?! So here we go:

Step 1: Take pen and paper.

Step 2: All budgets talk of some basic things like: income tax, excise duty, customs duty, subsidies, fiscal deficit, revenue deficit. So list these phrases out on the left hand side, one below the other.

Step 3: List out some numbers in percentages at random – for example: 5%, 3%, 10% and so on and so forth.

Step 4: Select any number and put it against the entry on the left hand side. For example: Income Tax – 3%, Excise Duty – 5% and so on and so forth.

Step 5: All budgets talk of a) cut in taxes b) rise in taxes c) status quo d) cess. List these items on the extreme right hand side of your sheet.

Step 6: Match the above points any which way you prefer along side the numbers mentioned against the points cited in Step 2.

Step 7: Under the entry: Excise duty and customs duty, mention any product you have never heard of or are not likely to hear or use. Suggested examples: Dog biscuits not eaten by dogs, mosquito extracts (used in bio-technology), computerized potato chips, lizard lipstick, shoelace art, etc.

Step 8: Wherever you feel like, suitably add the word ‘fiscal deficit’, ‘revenue deficit’ and stuff like that.

Step 9: Now, match all these in a manner which will have the experts rushing to the nearest TV studios to give their opinion on why it is a brilliant move by the FM to raise excise on lizard lipstick, or why it is stupid of him to cut IT to rein in the demand for shoelace art.

Step 10: Revision Notes: Here’s an example of a Do-It-Yourself Budget: Income Tax cut of 4% under Section (12) © read with Sub-Section (54d) and Sub-Sub Section (3) Part 2 of Income Tax Act 1292 B.C. has been introduced to rein in the revenue deficit.

Explanatory notes: An expert committee will examine whether the economy is better off or worse off if the revenue deficit falls or rises. And till such time the committee submits its report (which is expected before 2016, give or take a few decades), it does not matter how the revenue deficit behaves, because you can’t say with any authority that it is good, or bad or neither good nor bad.